4-19-14 [published on my weebly blog]
For the past week, I’ve been carrying my journals around with me just in case I felt the need to write. I do that often. Whenever I have a hunch that a writing outburst will sprout at any moment, I start carrying my journals with me.
As suspected, I was right. This past Wednesday night after getting ice cream with Ruth, I whipped out my journal and wrote about everything that has been subliminally bothering me in between my studying sessions and bonding moments with friends. After writing, I realized that yes, I’ve been enjoying life lately, but that I’ve also been avoiding a lot of my inner concerns. If you whip through a lot of what I’ve written in my journals since that night, I’d have to say that the common theme within all my words is that sometimes, the world needs certain things to happen in a certain way. As much as I believe in the entire notion of being in complete control of your life, which I pretty much have been until two weeks ago, I’ve been reminded that sometimes all you can do is accept.
You know what’s amazing? I’m finding it in me to admit it.
I used to be too ashamed and embarrassed to admit my more vulnerable desires for fear of being judged. But you know what? That’s silly. I was watching an episode of Boy Meets World the other day, and I was basically enlightened by how Mr. Feeny and Mr. Turner taught Cory and Shawn that being painfully honest and open is how you attract connections. Wanting to be needed and understood is a human tendency.
So I took all of that and utilized it. Some of it hasn’t been working in my favor, and it has been hurting. I think what I’ve been hurting over the most is how I’ve been trying to make certain aspects of my life go my way when they clearly aren’t meant to. Now, I think that’s also what’s been keeping me from writing with ease like I usually do.
What I want to put my attention on is how in the midst of my personal failures, I’ve been seeing how my close-knit circle of friends is coming together and how that has helped ease my troubles. My friends are the ones who have helped me get back into my writing mode. Their attentiveness and never-ending patience with me gives me so much strength when I lose my sense of direction. They are the ones who have eased me into the beginning stages of acceptance and change.
Just about an hour ago, I told my COLLEGE BFFLS GROUP (that’s what we call ourselves ahaha) that they’re the best thing that’s happened to me so far in college. I don’t see the need or use to sit and pain over people and circumstances that clearly aren’t for me when there are other people and opportunities out there that are more consistent and prominent with me.
Before I start sounding more whiny than I intended to sound, I’m going to refer to a Grey’s Anatomy episode that I watched earlier because it explains what I mean and my circumstances so much better than I do. Here’s the exact dialogue that I’m referring to. It’s from season 9, episode 3, titled “Love the One You’re With.” Oh, and just in case you aren’t familiar with the show, Tuck is Bailey’s son and Ben is her boyfriend. …or husband.. I forgot what he was to her at the time of this conversation, but that’s beside the main point. The emotions that Bailey is exemplifying are the same emotions I’ve been dealing with recently.
Bailey (cleaning the microwave in the attendings’ lounge): It is a horror movie inside this microwave. A horror movie. Oh, they are… entitled, ungrateful children and they should know better. Not that I care. I don’t care. I’m done caring.
Richard: Okay, so what’s really going on?
Bailey (groans): … Tuck let go of my hand.
Richard: Uh, what?
Bailey: Tuck— He let go of my hand. I took him to his first day of kindergarten, and I was, you know, ready for the tears and the good-bye, and how hard it was gonna be, and he just let go of my hand. He didn’t even look back. He walked in, saw a toy he liked, and didn’t look back. (scoffs) I called his dad. He was… busy. (sighs) He’s getting married again. I mean… and she’s very nice. I-I like her. Whatever. He was busy. So I called Ben, and he was studying up to observe his first laparoscopic surgery. He was so excited—
Richard: Everybody’s movin’ on.
Bailey: And I’m here, doing appys and choles, ‘cause that’s what a general surgery attending does, appys and choles. While everybody else is off conquering new things, I’m stuck. And I didn’t care. You know, I mean, this was my choice. I’m not even sure I noticed…
Richard: Until Tuck let go of your hand.
Bailey (voice breaking): ‘Til Tuck let go of my hand.
Richard: You know what happens when someone lets go of your hand?
Richard: You get it back. It’s a good thing. You know, interns let go, and… Tuck let go, and even Ben let go. And they’re all still there. They all still love ‘ya. But it means you get your hand back. It means you have time— Not to wash the dishes— To do something with, to get out there, to find diseases to cure, to take it to the next level. Hell, uh, it means invent the Bailey method. But you gotta get out there, do something. And don’t look back.
What Richard told Bailey in her moment of weakness reminds me so much of what my friends have been helping me to see.
That’s what caused me to re-evaluate where I’m putting my extra attention these days. Sometimes I think I care about everyone too much all at once, even though I’m terrible at showing it. Then I forget to care about myself.
When I looked more into myself earlier, I realized that I’m most happy these days when I’m with or talking to my gal pals (haha, I would never use the term “gal pals” in person). I’m lucky as hell, to say the least.
Earlier I told Ruth that “I just realized how pathetic it is for me to be sad over trivial things when I have greater miracles in the working like being friends with you guys [my COLLEGE BFFLS GROUP].” I went on to tell her that “it feels so great! Everything just feels less heavy, yknow, ‘cause you guys just turn everything into a good thing for me.”
Quite frankly, I feel that way with every friend who has blessed me recently.
That’s when I realized that aside from school and family, what’s really keeping me sane are my friends. When I started to turn my attention and gratitude towards my friends (which I should have been doing all along) instead of towards other things, my words started to flow more easily.
Bonding with them is what helped me break through my writer’s block, ultimately.
I was talking to Ruth a few moments ago, and she was sharing some Obama quotes with me. She was reading through some of his old speeches, and found this particular quote.
"We faced hard days and our share of failure, but I learned then that no matter how great the challenge or how difficult the circumstance; change is always possible if you’re willing to work for it, and fight for it, and, above all, believe in it."
— President Barack Obama
I got an A on my second anthro exam, by the way.
Next to English, anthro (specifically cultural) really feeds the fire in me.
I’m considering switching my intended minor to anthro.
The less I needed, the better I felt.
I want a clean slate.
It’s great to have someone who cares about me, but I can wholeheartedly say that it’s NOT enough for me anymore, and I no longer want to wait.
I want a clean slate, someone new.
I think I’ll always, always want you. Some part of me will always hurt over how I hurt you, but I know that if I stay, I’ll be the unhappy one.
It’s a cycle of unhappiness.
Love isn’t always enough.
And I really want someone new — not right now, but eventually, when the time is right. I no longer have the time and energy to accommodate another person’s needs over mine.
Call me selfish, but it’s the truth.
I sort of just want to skip over this portion of my life as quickly as possible because it’s draining.
Before I give my body, I must give my thoughts, my mind, my dreams. And you weren’t having any of those.
Holy shit. I just realized that my registration is next Friday. SHIT. WOW. OKAY.
I have yet to make my back-up schedule. BLEH.
I wish you would open up to me.
Ending my day by reflecting on life with the best: Vina.
Let me be, was all I wanted. Be what I am, no matter how I am.
You would wake up, emotionally, and realize that this is something you can’t live without. I give you meaning, in some strange way that you can’t explain. You would tell me that I truly make you happy despite what I call my failed attempts to provide you with the same things you provide for me.
You would tell me that yes, you now fully know that you feel the same way.
Make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security and adopt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy. But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning and its incredible beauty.
Tonight is going to be a solitary night —just me and my textbook, notes in between us.
Life will be better after my exam.